lotus, 2:24 am
I guess the simplest way to imagine what my sweeter thoughts look
like, would be to imagine a burning cup of tea on a little purple napkin. for so long, maybe too long, I allowed my thoughts to look like terrible things. burning houses, nooses. not long after, the darkness started showing on the outside. could sit in front of the mirror for hours and still never be able to find myself. I was lost in my own bedroom, my own skin. looking back, I'm not positive when my life began to change, but one thing does stand out. the pink lotus tree down the street from my house. must've walked past it everyday for a few years until the day I just.. looked up. I think that's when it started. when I.. started over. found myself always coming back to it. reading. drinking my tea. just admiring. it made me think better things. I began writing better things. I wrote about Amsterdam. I wrote about decorating a little apartment and being whole on my own. my grandparents. my kitten. my little life had changed from a crumpled polaroid to a framed portrait. I moved from my childhood home 7 months ago, but my spot under the lotus tree still remains. and it always will. |
feel, 1:13 am
David Jones said "It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply." I could not possibly agree with him more. I am entirely certain I live right in between blessed and cursed. these past 2 months have gone by both hauntingly slow and blindingly fast. I have been extremely focused on self love, self acceptance and self dedication since the new year began. writing full time, courses, gym every day, eating well, sleeping enough, smiling more. been wonderful finally focusing on my own life 100%. walking home earlier tonight, scrolling through my playlist looking for a song to listen to, I realized I didn't even feel like listening to music. I just wanted silence. the good silence. cars in the distance. the wind. the world just being the world. the silence, of course, always gives you a chance to breathe and think. I didn't expect a rush of sadness and melancholy to come over me so suddenly. I didn't know what I was feeling but I knew I had to feel it. I thought, I must be missing someone. I didn't know exactly what to feel in those few moments. but I've never needed to cry as much as I did tonight. It felt like a weight off my shoulders. like I poured the dark blue out of my body. very rarely does breaking down and crying make me feel better. I know now that even when you plan to have an emotional break, like listening to sad music or taking a warm quiet bath, you don't always end up feeling how you think you will. I sing through my favourite sad songs and eat popcorn and watch Friends during my bubble baths. not what I ever expected. feelings are so raw and real simply because they are unpredictable. I never knew how much, but I do after tonight, and that is definitely a blessing.
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living, 12:14 am
My current favourite book in one hand, my phone's flash light shining on the pages in the other, I was on my way home and without even noticing that my mind had wandered off, I realized "this is moving on." My gym bag on one shoulder, a weightless relief on the other, I thought "this is me, living." So long went by with this nagging voice in the back of my mind constantly asking when things are gonna change, when things are gonna get better, when am I finally gonna move on. And while my eyes fell away from the page and up to the night sky, I realized that annoying, nagging voice had finally shut the fuck up. this was living. this was what moving on was. everything around me had changed in so many ways that it kept me from noticing how much I've changed. Improved. when you stop watching the clock, time flies by. I am finally letting myself admit (& believe) that I am happy with myself. I spend the majority of my time alone, but I am not fucking lonely. I'm happy being with myself, entirely. that's something I never thought I'd have. And what feels even better... I have no one but myself to thank for it. It was a beautiful night for some beautiful realizations.
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beauti(pain)ful, 8:16 pm
I've learned a lot about myself lately.. but not in a good way. the month of May has brought much stress and little else to my life. I've been sick nearly this entire month which has resulted in my overall health taking a turn for the worse. Not going to the gym has caused my stomach to swell, which is incredibly uncomfortable and painful. so much stress has caused my skin to breakout terribly. I get at least four migraine headaches throughout the day, every day. I lose more and more sleep every night from being so uncomfortable with my overall appearance and being so unbearably stressed out. I cannot bear to look in the mirror. tonight has been my worst breakdown yet, which is what brings me here, to my page. I need to tackle this problem I'm having with myself. Beauty is not everything. I tell myself this all the time to ease the stress and calm the constant battle I have with my mind always telling me "you have to be perfect". I don't understand how I could possibly tell myself something so insane and actually believe it. you do NOT have to be perfect. or more to the point... you CAN'T be perfect. there's no such thing. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect all the time. perfect skin, hair, clothes, body. the amount of time I put into myself is actually ridiculous, but I try to be understanding of my self consciousness. I live in a generation where every woman I see is beautiful and I find myself feeling more insecure all the time. It's really difficult to try so hard for something that comes so easily to others. that's why now I'm taking the mask off and just being my un-edited self. I need to focus on what's truly important.. happiness. goals. poetry. health. hopefully in a few days I will start to look and feel like myself again. hopefully.. but until then I just need to keep these positive thoughts flowing. and I want anyone who may be fighting the same battle as me, please remember... beauty is not everything. perfection is impossible.